Hi, I'm Kadee. I'm a recovering people pleaser. I grew up so focused on making everyone else happy, I didn't really learn what made me happy. I so desperately wanted to be liked and loved that I spent my time and energy giving other people what they wanted, but didn't really think too much about what I wanted.
This may seem harmless enough but do it long enough, you lose yourself. Your identity becomes tied up in giving to others, not yourself, and if you're like me, you give too much, too often at your own expense. It takes a lot of energy to give to other people, and if you aren't being careful to fill up your own energy reserves by also giving to yourself, knowing what your own needs are and filling them, you'll find yourself depleted like I did.
I spent a lot of my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood being exhausted, sleep deprived and physically ill, with chronic strep throat and sinus infections. I wasn't taking care of myself, and even when I was sick, I was still going out of my way to be there for other people. Unfortunately they didn't show up for me in the same way which then lead to my having resentments. Clearly not a healthy pattern.
I also found I wasn't attracting the kinds of people I wanted in my life as my friends or to date. This behavior lead me to a devastating and abusive marriage with a man I was completely incompatible with, and to having friends that broke my heart by betraying my loyalty and trust.
This unhealthy pattern in my life also lead to my changing jobs and apartments over and over for more than a decade, never being able to find a job that worked for me or a home that felt right.
Why? because I wasn't clear on who I was and what I wanted from others and myself. I didn't know how I wanted to feel. I also didn't have clear boundaries (knowing yourself and what you want is essential to having clear boundaries.)
Job after job failed because those jobs didn't honor my strongest desire in life, which I now know is to feel free. Relationship after relationship didn't work because I wasn't honoring myself and my needs and how I wanted to feel.
Through trial and error I definitely learned what I didn't want, but I got tired of learning through mistakes. Learning that way hurt, a lot. But learning what you don't want can serve as a guide to helping you discover what you do want especially if you're like me and have spent far too much of your life worrying about what everyone else wants.
One of the most valuable things I discovered was learning what my “Core Desired Feelings” are as Danielle Laporte's amazing book The Desire Map calls them, or my “governing values” as Hyrum Smith calls them in his book The 10 Natural Laws of Successful Time and Life Management.
We all have things we value more than anything else that determine the choices we make in our lives. These core desired feelings/governing values can change over time, they are not static.
My core desired feelings for 2016 are free/freedom, ease, peace, intention, intuition and magic. These six feelings influence my every decision in my life now.
I have found my strongest core desired feeling is Freedom and every choice I make now is intentional (intention is another of my core desired feelings.) I ask myself, does this choice make me feel free? If the answer is no I look into other options that feel free whenever possible to honor my deepest desire to feel free in my life.
Not feeling free is why most of my previous jobs failed and why I finally had the courage to pursue entrepreneurship. My previous jobs didn't make me feel free, in fact I felt imprisoned by them, so much so I felt like a part of my spirit was dying and I lost my creative energy and spark while working those jobs. There was nothing wrong with the job itself, and I was truly thankful to be employed, but the job wasn't honoring my core desired feeling. I desire freedom above all else, the freedom to set my own schedule and hours, freedom to do the kind of work I'm passionate about and that lights me up. I have to feel free and now that I know that, and operate from that space my entire life has transformed.
I'm happier and healthier than I've been before because I'm living in alignment with how I want to feel. I have my own business transforming lives and relationships, working when I want and how I want to. I have a beautiful partnership with the most amazing man I've been honored to share almost a decade of my life with.
Do you know how you want to feel?
If not, I would love to support you in uncovering your core desired feelings. Knowing who you are, and what you want at the deepest level will change your life for the better in powerful and unexpected ways.
I made this nifty image of my core desired feeling with a program called Tagul.